


Relapse

by Wolfcry22



Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [20]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angry Poe Dameron, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Awesome Finn (Star Wars), Canon Compliant, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Poe Dameron, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Poe Dameron Has PTSD, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe Dameron Whump, Poe Dameron/Finn Fluff, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Poe Dameron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:53:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26894761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfcry22/pseuds/Wolfcry22
Summary: Even with support and Poe feeling better, triggers are never far away and relapses are inevitable.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605424
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	1. Playing With Fire

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a darker story than some of the ones prior. I wanted to explore the idea that although Poe does better, it is normal to have a relapse when something especially jarring happens. It can be frustrating, difficult, and exhausting for everyone involved. There are always emotions flowing and it takes support to get through it. This can just be one part of devastating affects of PTSD. This story isn’t indicative of everyone who has PTSD and this is just a part of what can sometimes happen.
> 
> Warning for violence, language, and possibly triggering themes.

It was early one morning and Finn had insisted that he and Poe get some food before they had to go their separate ways for meetings and work. Finn had been feeling a little more comfortable about allowing Poe to be on his own as of late. Well, on his own with either BB-8 or D-O. They were making strides in Finn's mind. Things weren't perfect by any means and it had only been two weeks of good times, but it was certainly better than the past few months.

Finn started to eat his eggs, which barely tasted like eggs, while Poe made quick work of his omelette. The two talked and laughed lightly with D-O and BB-8 at their feet until a harsh metallic slamming sound brought both of their attention up. 

Finn looked over and saw a few pilots talking loudly as they slammed their fists and trays down on the metal tables. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end as the pilots shouted until one of them leaped across the table and tackled another one to the ground. His nature told him to watch the fight, but he realized that he had more pressing problems.

He spun around and looked to Poe, who had forced the tray of partially eaten food away from him as he started to pick his nails against his skin. He dug so hard that he drew blood while he started to mumble under his breath. "Alpha, bravo, Charlie, delta, echo, foxtrot—“

"Poe, Poe," began Finn when he realized that he was going through the entire military alphabet. He set his tray aside as he looked to the trembling pilot. Things would've been so much easier if they were in their room, but alas the mess hall was much more public and with more prying eyes. This wasn't good at all. 

Just when Finn thought he could get through to him, more Resistance fighters jumped into the fight. Punches were thrown and men fell against tables as well as scattering trays. The mess hall turned into a free for all and there was nothing that Finn could do. He did know that he had to get Poe out of there.

"Let's go," instructed Finn. He was reluctant to grab onto Poe, but he also knew that he wasn't about to talk himself out of this specific flashback.

He grasped Poe's arm and helped him stand. Poe leaned heavily on him as they made their way toward the door with Poe still muttering manically under his breath. Finn willed them to move faster and yet he didn't want to force Poe to do anything that he didn't want to. This was a fine line situation that Finn had to struggle with.

They were almost out when one of the pilots that had been fighting slammed into Finn. Both Poe and Finn fell harshly in a tangle of limbs right in the thick of the brawl. Poe crouched to the ground with his hands rested over his head and his breath coming in shallow gasps. He could hear the fighting still and it brought him back to when he had been held by two guards while a third took their time beating him until they had broken his jaw and had nearly rendered him unconscious.

Suddenly, all of the voices seemed to fade to nothing. All Poe could hear was the sound of his own breathing and heartbeat rising into his throat. He looked up and realized that everything seemed to be moving around him in slow motion. That was when he noticed a man swinging toward Finn. A fist collided with Finn's temple and he stumbled back against one of the tables with blood trickling from the corner of his mouth.

Something snapped inside of Poe. He leaped to his feet and walked toward the pilot. He came behind him before punching him right above the eye. The pilot stumbled to the ground, but Poe wasn't finished with him. He stood over him and continued to pound punch, after punch, after punch against the man's face. He could feel the pilot's nose break under him as blood stained his face. Poe cried in rage as he continued to strike him.

Finn suddenly realized what was happening. "Poe!" He leaped forward and tackled Poe to the ground. The man that had been under him slumped as he began to sputter on blood that collected in the back of his throat.

Finn struggled to pin Poe to the ground as Poe fought him fiercely. Finn managed to thrust Poe’s arms against the ground while Poe gnashed his teeth together and let out a strangled cry. The last thing that Finn wanted to do was hold Poe down, especially when he looked into Poe's eyes and saw such overwhelming fear. Yet, he wasn't sure what else he could do and he couldn't have Poe hurt himself or others. Finn knew that it was his next step. After all, that was usually the next step. Poe would start to cause himself pain if he couldn't injure anyone else when his flashback was this far rooted inside of him and he felt that he had to fight for his life.

"Poe, you need to calm down," chided Finn when Poe showed no signs of calming. He was very worried about Poe's safety. He was also now worried about what everyone else would think about Poe. He was the General, their leader. He couldn't show this unhinged side in front of everyone. It was different when he was in their room with just rumors trying to get out of him. This was completely different.

Poe continued to seethe in anger. His eyes were haunted and rage filled. He wasn't taking in his surroundings anymore. He was certainly back on the battle field and Finn was just an enemy, a First Order Stormtrooper. Finn realized that he couldn't fault Poe for that even as his limbs grew tired from trying to hold him down.

"Poe, it's me," Finn grunted as he tried to press his knee down on Poe's thighs so that Poe couldn't kick. "It's me. It's Finn. You need to stop fighting me. Poe!"

Just then, Finn saw an older man rush into the mess hall. Relief showed on his face as soon as he recognized him. "Dr. Firn," he panted in relief. "Thank the force!"

Dr. Firn crouched down to Poe as the rest of the pilots continued to fight around them. Finn felt something wet splatter on his back and he thought it was best not to think about it. 

"Poe, I need you to calm down, alright? It's Dr. Firn. We can speak, but I need you to be calm first. You're in the mess hall with Finn and I," Dr. Firn tried to explain while resting a hand on his shoulder as Finn continued to hold him down.

Finn looked to Dr. Firn. "It's no use. I've never seen him this agitated before." Poe gave a massive lurch and nearly knocked Finn from him. Finn grunted as he looked to Dr. Firn pleadingly. "I don't think he's going to be able to talk himself out of it. I don't think I can talk him out of it either."

After a moment, Dr. Firn reached into the back of his pocket. He brought out a needle and thrust it against Poe's arm. Poe gave a few more fierce shakes before his body went limp. 

Finn stepped off of Poe with his body managing to relax. He nodded to Dr. Firn tiredly. "Thanks. I-I appreciate it," he stammered.

Dr. Firn nodded very so slowly. "I think that it's time you and I had a talk."


	2. Lost And Confused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Poe finally comes to, he and Finn have to revisit a prior topic of uncomfortableness between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is going to be heavy on the angst, but the next part will be heavy on the fluff. I wanted to particularly show how it feels to come out of a flashback and the emotions that overwhelm someone sometimes with PTSD. This is subjective as each person with PTSD reacts and feels differently after a flashback and this is just one interpreting of it. I hope you all enjoy it!

Poe groaned as pain seemed to overwhelm him. His entire skull felt like it was going to explode while his eyes struggled to focus. Everything he could see was washes of white and yellows. He tried to lift a hand to rub at his eye when he found that both of his hands were shackled to the bed. He gave a heavy snap of his wrist, but he couldn't pull himself away. Fear pulsed through him as his breathing quickened. This was exactly what it would look if he was captured by the First Order.

Poe tried to curl his wrists as he dug his nails into his palm. He could feel them start to draw blood as frustration surged over him.

"Poe! Poe, hey!"

Poe glanced up as he saw Finn rushing toward him through his haze of blurry vision. He felt Finn's strong hands on his wrists to force his nails from digging in. "Hey, hey, hey, it's alright. It's me. It's me," Finn stammered quickly as he looked behind him. "Are the shackles really necessary?"

Dr. Firn came into view as Poe was finally able to blink his eyes and see Dr. Firn coming over to Finn's side. "It was just precautionary and for his own safety for when he woke up," replied Dr. Firn as he pulled the key from his pocket. He glanced at Poe sternly. "Can I trust you not to lash out at either of us?"

Poe nodded vigorously. Now that he saw it was Finn and Dr. Firn in front of him, he was slightly more inclined to answer. "Yes," he rasped.

Dr. Firn reached over and undid the cuffs around both of Poe's wrists. Poe immediately sat back and brought his knees up to his chest. He rubbed one of his fingers where he had managed to break the skin where he had drawn blood. He enjoyed the feeling of pain since it numbed the agony he felt in his heart.

"Do you think that you could give us a little bit," Finn requested to Dr. Firn over his shoulder.

Although reluctant, Dr. Firn nodded. "I suppose so. Don't forget what we talked about," he replied as he headed from the room. The door closed behind him and silence fell on the two of them.

"Let's get that scratch taken care of," Finn grunted as he pulled himself from Poe's bed. Poe immediately tried to scratch again, but Finn let out a sudden stern exclamation. "Hey, that's only going to make it worse. Hands off."

Poe dropped his hands. "Y-Yeah, sorry," he croaked.

Finn quickly looked around the small medbay room before coming back with some gauze, bandages, and Bacta gel. He sat down beside Poe as reached for his hand. Instinctively, Poe drew his hand back toward his chest, despite his wrist still oozing blood. Finn tried not to grow frustrated. "Can I see your hand," he requested. "I promise that I'm not going to hurt you."

Albeit reluctant, Poe lowered his shaky hand toward Finn. He breathed through his discomfort as Finn opened an antiseptic wipe and washed it over Poe's hand to clean the blood and disinfect the wound. Finn glanced up at Poe's eyes and noticed that he seemed to be on the cusp of tears. His bottom lip trembled and his eyes appeared watery. Finn wasn't sure if it was something that he had done or said, but he knew that he had to overcome his frustration that he had with him. It wasn't Poe's fault. He just had to keep reminding himself of that.

"Does it hurt," Finn questioned once he had finished cleaning the wound on his wrist.

Poe shook his head. "N-No," he began as one tear fell from his eye and rolled down his cheek. "It do-doesn't hurt."

Finn quickly finished with the antiseptic and grasped the Bacta gel. He turned the bottle upside down and squirted a tiny bit onto Poe's wrist. He placed a strip over the gel before wrapping it in gauze so that Poe couldn't become agitated and try to rip it off, whether out of frustration or just impatience. Finn finished as swiftly as possible so that he could speak to Poe and not have distractions.

"Come on, let's talk about this," suggested Finn as he brought his feet the rest of the way onto the bed so that he could be close to Poe. "You know that I can't help you unless you talk to me, right?"

Poe nodded as a few more tears slipped down his face. He lifted his uninjured hand and mopped up the tears that had streamed down his cheeks. He let out a heavy sniff before nodding. "I know." He looked aside as he tried to quiet his desperate and frantic breaths.

Finn clustered forward and lifted his hand. He gingerly touched Poe's chin and gently forced him to look at him. "You don't need to be embarrassed, Poe. I thought that you've gotten over that with me. Please tell me what's going on with you." He released Poe's chin and grasped his hand to ground him. "Please."

Poe looked with him with a completely dejected look on his face. "I thought that I was doing better," he croaked and his tone crushed Finn's spirit.

"You are," reassured Finn as he gave Poe's hand a massive squeeze. "You have made so much progress and you've learned so much! Setbacks and relapses are inevitable. You haven't been magically cured. I don't have your flashbacks and nightmares and I was panicking slightly during that fight. Anyone in your position would've reacted the same way."

Poe didn't seem the least bit convinced. "I should've used my grounding techniques, or-or some breathing. I could've left and I didn't! It's my fault." His head hung. "It's my fault."

Finn gripped Poe's hand firmly, until the pilot looked up again. "Look at me, Poe. Somethings you can't talk yourself out of. Those large bangs brought you back to a dangerous time. We tried to leave and then we were knocked aside. There were so many extenuating circumstances."

"I could've hurt you," mumbled Poe darkly.

Finn sighed. It always seemed to go back to that. It was Poe's biggest fear and it seemed that no matter what Finn did, he couldn't help Poe shake that. "But, you didn't. Do you know why?" Poe paused before shaking his head. "Because I'm stronger than you."

Poe smiled, genuinely, since before the fight. "Are not," he protested.

"Well, I did pin you down before Dr. Firn got there." Finn's smile quickly disappeared. "Speaking of Dr. Firn we really need to talk about something."

Poe tilted his head. "Talk about what?"

"Well, while you were sedated, I had a conversation with Dr. Firn. He seems to think that there are a few things that we haven't tried to help and one of them is...." Finn trailed off. He was clearly reluctant to tell Poe what him and Dr. Firn had suggested. He knew that Poe wasn't going to like the idea.

Poe slightly clustered closer. "Is what?"

Finn sighed as his shoulders slumped. "Medication."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that I’ve touched on the idea of medication prior, but this time will be talked about a little more in depth in the next part. Both of them have reasons for believing the way that they do, as many people are when they are faced with this dilemma. Until the final part I hope you all are staying safe and healthy!


	3. Who Wants A Boring Life?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn cares more for Poe than he can sometimes say and often needs another way to express it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I promised this part is going to be about 90% fluff. It will be mainly about Poe and Finn giving their reasons for or against Poe going on medication. This will be a theme that will continue throughout the series and will be addressed in a couple different ways. I hope you all enjoyed this installment into the series and like this final chapter of this story!

"Medication," echoed Poe in horror. His eyed widened and his jaw set. "Like medication for psychotic people?"

Finn shook his head madly. "Not at all! You're not psychotic at all! That's not what he's saying. Maybe just medication for the anxiety and the depression. You know, to soothe the extreme mood swings and irritation that you feel. It's not going to change who you are. It'll just help your body fall back into it's normal rhythm."

Poe could feel his entire body grow rigid in anger. Finn still had hold of his hand and he wanted nothing more than to rip his hand away and pick nervously at the gauze around the nick on his wrist. "I can't! I won't! There has to be something else we could try."

"We've done so much else," pointed out Finn as he lifted his free hand and rubbed it against the back of his neck. "There's not too much else that we can try. Besides, medication will be in addition to what we've done already.”

All Poe could think about was putting something like that into his body. He had spent time in his youth trying spice and he recalled how horrible that had been to his body. Taking any medication that Dr. Firn offered him felt the same way. Deep down he knew that it was just to help him, but he didn't want to admit that he needed medication to cope. No one else did, at least not in his eyes.

Finn didn't enjoy how utterly quiet his boyfriend had gotten. Poe was never quiet and that wasn't a good sign when he was. "What are you thinking?" Poe didn't respond. "You can tell me how you truly feel. Scream if you have to, fight me if you want to. Whatever it takes, but you must communicate when you do so." Communication was one of their struggles as of late. Because of Poe's flashbacks he would shut down and not speak to Finn. Finn was always trying to bring any emotion about of Poe, not matter if he was angry or depressed.

Exhaustion from the sedation was starting to weigh on him. He knew that Finn needed this lengthy explanation of how he felt, but all Poe felt was utterly numb. "Do we have to decide now?"

"Not at all," Finn replied a little too quickly. He guessed that Dr. Firn may disagree, especially with what had happened. However, Finn knew when to push Poe and when to leave the battle to be fought for another day. Neither one of them were thinking clearly at the moment and it wouldn't do either of them any good to make a rash decision. "We can talk about it and talk to Dr. Firn about it. You can even talk to some of the people at the support group if you like. Let's get all the information before you decide."

Poe was relieved as he nodded timidly. "Do you think anyone saw me, in the mess hall," he squeaked.

Finn shook his head. "I doubt it. Almost everyone was fighting. They weren't paying attention to you or I, I'm sure." At least, he hoped. They wouldn't be able to keep this from the rest of the Resistance forever, but for now it was more rumors that Poe was struggling with panic attacks, nightmares, and flashbacks. Finn was not looking forward to the day that it was common knowledge.

Poe suddenly stretched his jaws in a massive yawn. His eyes were already fluttering as he tried to keep himself awake. "We should probably continue this conversation later. You need to get some rest." Finn grunted as he tried to rise, but Poe suddenly lunged and grasped his arm.

"Don't leave," Poe requested with the panicked edge to his voice. "Just for a little bit."

When Poe got scared, he got clingy. It wasn't new, but it had been amplified ever since his struggle with his flashbacks had started. As much as Finn would complain about it, he thought it was endearing that Poe felt like he needed Finn beside him when the rest of the world was falling apart around him. It was an incredible compliment that Finn would never criticize him for.

"I suppose I could stay for a bit," Finn sympathized. Truth be told he was quite tired as well. Restraining Poe had been exhausting, especially after he had been fighting another pilot. His muscles arched when he moved and he could've fallen back asleep in a few moments.

Poe shifted over and patted the space beside Finn. It was really a bed made for one, but they had made do with smaller space plenty of times. Finn didn't hesitate to wriggle over to Poe and head under the covers. Poe draped the covers over them both so that they were warm.

Poe then scurried over to Finn and rested his head on Finn's chest. Finn lowered his head and planted a kiss on top of Poe's head. His hair smelled almost sweet and made Finn's heart patter in his chest. He could feel Poe's muscles against his. Poe had lost some weight since eating wasn't high on his priorities list, but Finn still found him attractive and that would never change. He loved everything about Poe. He loved his hands, his hips, his eyes, his lips, his personality, his soul, his sass, his courage, and even his muddled mind.

"I love you, Poe," Finn broke out after a moment of silence. "I don't want you to think that I'm trying to change you. That's not what I want. I just want to make things easier for you if I can. That's the only reason I brought up medication."

Poe rubbed his head against Finn's chest almost like a cat. "I know. I'm sorry I'm being such a dick about it. I-I just don't know if I can bring myself to take anything," he confessed. "It'll make my mind even muddier. What if it takes my memory? Or makes me not be able to feel anything? Or takes my ability to fly? I can't afford that."

"We can talk to Dr. Firn about it later. He knows more about it than we do," Finn pointed out as he rested his head and Poe's back. He hugged him closer before slightly rubbing circles against Poe's back in an attempt to calm him. "Does that sound okay?"

Poe yawned once more. "I suppose so." He snuggled even closer to Finn and almost buried his head into Finn's neck. Finn chuckled at his soft breath. "I love you. I know I don't make this easy—“

"Who wants a boring life," questioned Finn with his eyebrows raised. "Dull existence makes for a dull life."

"Original quote from Finn Dameron, everyone," boasted Poe a little louder than he had originally intended.

Finn squeezed him good-naturally. "Finn Dameron? Did we get married and I missed it," he joked, wanting to keep Poe on his toes.  
  
Poe rolled his eyes. "You know what I meant! Either way you seem full of answers."

Finn leaned even closer to Poe. "And I have one more answer for you," he haunted, his breath warm on Poe's nose.

Poe's eyes lit in mischief. He hadn't felt this riled up in a long time. In fact, he had thought that he would never feel this kind of excitement again. It pooled in his stomach and made his toes curl. "And what would that be," he asked seductively.

"Watch me." He grinned as he leaned forward and closed the gap between him and Poe. Their lips pressed together and Poe swore that he saw fireworks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is the end for this story. It was very much filled with fluff and I hope that you all enjoyed it. The next couple stories are going to be a little more angst filled, but this was a nice break to have with something more upbeat. I hope that you guys enjoyed this and are staying safe and healthy!

**Author's Note:**

> Things took a pretty drastic turn in this first part but it’ll calm down a little in the next two chapters. I hope you guys enjoyed this so far and are staying safe and healthy!


End file.
